date me manifesto

i know what i like.

i downloaded bumble the other week. what a mess. there must be a better way.

i like a man with subordinates. students, employees, fans, listeners, admirers, constituents, etc. but i don’t want to be treated like a subordinate, or be led like one. maybe that’s not true. let me rephrase: i like to have a say, i think i have great taste but im willing to be wrong. we can split having the final say. i want to be your respite. keeper of secrets and grievances. secretary almost. i can book the hotels. the spa treatments. i like clerical tasks. but if you wants to do it that’s ok too. i don’t mind. i would let you [REDACTED] from my [REDACTED]. i’d call you my [TERM OF ENDEARMENT THAT HAS BEEN REDACTED]. but you kind of have to have subordinates for that to work for me. i can’t get hard if you don’t. im sorry. and its not like you have to be famous or anything, im not a starfucker. just turned on by power and influence, like everyone else. though it is super convenient when a guy has a wiki page because im bad at remembering birthdays. probably has to be a writer in some way. not like books. i mean, it can be books. but there are many ways you can be a writer. you can write plenty of things. put it this way, i’ve never dated a not writer. and i’ve dated a doctor, a comedy writer, and a professor. the last one was the worst but we can disparage our exes together some night under the moonlight or in bed at a boutique hotel and never speak of it again. you must have a way with words. ok id prefer you’re not like, a popular twitter account though, because that’s my thing. well at least not a RW twitter account, the ones i’ve met are all such losers. no offense. except one. i won’t tell you which one. don’t want to date someone who can never submit to me in a gentle way. i would never deny [REDACTED]. i have an outrageously high [REDACTED]. but never be cruel to me. no name calling or hard spanking and choking. that’s how you end up on dateline. would rather not end up on dateline. i’d like it if you wanted to be called [REDACTED]. but keep me pampered and spoiled like an exotic gorgeous house pet. i welcome a golden cage. i have a pretty high standard for comfort. ok, like really high standard for comfort. you should too. you should appreciate a good sweater, nice hotels, massages, sensible shoes, supima cotton, i don’t know. you should enjoy michelin restaurants but enjoy going to a shitty dive with me just as much. also you should give me your credit card, or at least add me as an authorized user. what are you hiding it for? you have to give me your credit card. cmon. cmonnnnn. you also adore me and brush my hair and stroke my arm lightly. oh, and you have to be into [REDACTED]. i [REDACTED] my [REDACTED] to keep it as [REDACTED] as i can. because i want it [REDACTED] with [REDACTED AND REDACTED]! NO DIETARY RESTRICTIONS FOR CHRIST SAKE. eat the meat the dairy the oysters the squid and drink the booze with me. circling back to the wordsmith requirement: i expect a constant flow of compliments and praises and odes to my beauty. you have to be funny. but not funnier than me. that shouldn’t be hard, i’m really funny.

who you should be:

you should be anywhere from 5’10 to 6’3. if that upsets you i’m sorry that you couldn’t be 5’10 to 6’3. no one gets an award for lowering their standards, im afraid. fortune favors the bold anyway. you should have brown hair of any shade but very dark hair is preferable. you should wear your hair kind of long. exceptions can be made for blondes but you have to look like dave foley. kidding but not really. redheads need not inquire. eyes can be any color. you should have a neotenous face. that’s important. crucial. you should be anywhere from 35-44. you can be a little older or younger than that. you can be divorced. i’d be a little worried if you were over 38 and hadn’t been married before. but would really prefer if you didn’t have children. if you do i’d prefer those children to be at least college aged. under high school is tough. no tots. you should like animals. you should have experience dating latinas. or at least an interest in latin culture. if you have an asian fetish, that is a very hard no for me. if any woman has ever had your abortion we’re gonna have to have a really serious talk about that upfront. you dont snore. listen to me, you do not snore. don’t be mentally ill. it’s fun for a while but ultimately i can’t do it. plus im mentally ill and our children have to have a fighting chance. you’re politically much further left than me, but you don’t mind that. i have a bad temper. i’d prefer if you didn’t provoke it very often. sometimes it’s ok. screaming matches are an aphrodisiac. but id like if you diffused escalations more often than not. its not hard, dont take what i say too seriously. one day ill wake up having dreamt you cheated on me and text you that im going to pay the cartel 15000 pesos to skin you alive and turn you into fruit leather. to this you say, oh my love, what an imagination you have. i would never cheat on you and im sure the cartel would charge much less. id laugh and we’d make love. simple. i’d like if you had long slim legs. i like long slim legs. i have a thing. you have your thing too, im sure. i dont mind indulging your thing. you should dress simply. kind of academic. i’d like if you didn’t work a traditional 9-5. but no starving artists, though i think they weeded themselves out long ago. you should be american. bonus if you grew up in a large urban city. so did i. you can be not american, within reason. you should have an appreciation for urbanism. i do. you should be really smart, but i already know you are. a lot of the questions i ask and demands i make are to filter for things without outright saying it. aren’t i so wily? id appreciate if you were as well spoken and diplomatic as me. propose to me in 3 years tops. 2 is ideal. i enjoy a pear cut diamond.

ok. any questions? oh, you want to know about me? well, shouldn’t you already know about me? you follow me, don’t you? okay well… i didn’t expect to get put on the spot like this. i mean this is a date me manifesto, not a what i have to offer you manifesto, right? right?

no i’m kidding. see, that’s that world class humor i was talking about earlier. you should already know a good amount about me, though. i’m expecting this to reach my followers and perhaps slightly beyond. i’m definitely not expecting some twitterbuxxcel to get his grubby little hands on this and dunk on me and get a million views. oh and another thing, i have thick skin. you should too. i hate wilting lilies. i will call you a pansy and you won’t like it.

i’m not perfect, but im willing to change for you. :-) is that good? good enough? ok. inquire within. you know where to find me. dm is fine. let me know and make sure i know what you look like.

if you do happen to be a dead ringer for young dave foley, peruvian journalist jaime baley from ages 26-42, young louis theroux, jason bateman, or will arnett, you can disregard this entire thing and let me know where to find you as soon as possible.

and if you’re [redacted] from [redacted] i’ll purchase the pear ring for you. seriously.